April 14, 2008

Gimme, Gimme: My Ideas on Positive and Negative Reinforcement

If someone told you that they would give you a FREE CAR upon turning 16 and all you had to do was . . . absolutely nothing, what do you think you would say? Answer seems pretty easy for anyone who has ever encountered the idea of responsibility and reward. However, I’m encountering more and more young people today who expect reward without accepting any responsibility. The car when one turns 16 is not only NOT APPRECIATED, it is expected. It's completely appropriate for a parent to want more for their children than what they had when they were growing up, sure. But isn't reward a bit more appealing?

For independent men and women, the need to be proactive is essential. If you don't work hard first and you don't satisfy necessary needs, you fall behind. In other words, you don’t get a paycheck until the work has been put in, in most cases, right? That's the bill-paying, 9 to 5 world of those who Work-to-Earn. I don't mean to sound like an old curmudgeon, but there's an inherent difference between the lives of those who LIVE at the home and those who SUPPORT the home. If a primary wage-earner of the house is not proactive in their responsibilities- and those responsibilities are usually pretty clear and general (i.e. mortgage, car payments, utility bills, groceries, etc . . .) - the potential for reward is minimalized as basic needs are even more difficult to achieve. But, for teenagers, even the understanding of responsibility is often vague and unclear.

Perhaps one family expects grades of straight-A's whereas another family expects a son to be starting quarterback. The expectations can be tremendous and, so often, not articulated clearly or supported by any sort of positive or negative reinforcement. In other words, if an expectation is met, it is completely appropriate for the agreed-upon reward to be bestowed. However, what does it teach a young person if they do not follow through with their side of the bargain- or, worse yet, there is no clear quantifier of what “their side of the bargain” is- but their actions are reinforced with some sort of positive reward, regardless, as if they had followed through with the responsibility? What happens, most often, in my opinion, is that the rewards offered are not specifically for the student. For example, perhaps it is a bit of a schlep for a parent to take their student to school and so the offer of a car for an outstanding report card is not only as a reward for the student, but also to lift a burden off the parent’s shoulders (aka: reward for the parent). This is one of the biggest mistakes made in the positive reinforcement process.

The rewards offered to young people have to be rewards which, if not earned, would not have a negative impact on other members of the family. Parents have to be prepared to follow through with their rewards and, likewise, repercussions. This is such a pertinent aspect of the teachable moment in young people’s development. Just as bad for helping to shape a young person’s value code as setting unrealistic expectations on them, is the trend to offer reward whether or not reward has been earned.